The Adventures of Emmett
by Beanacre0
Summary: A series of One shots about the many adventures of Emmett McCarty Cullen. From the Indestructible Phone to Nessie's first word. Rated because of slight swearing in at least 1 one shot. Usual Pairings. Enjoy
1. The Indestructible Phone

A series of hopefully funny one shots about Emmett's many adventures. I hope you enjoy it. I have put this status as completed as I don't when it will be as I will adding to it a lot. If you have any ideas, let me know ;)  
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The Indestructible Phone**

Emmett jabbed his phone, trying to dial Rosalie's number on the small buttons. "Stupid buttons. Stupid phone." He muttered.

Rosalie wandered into the room. "Emmett what are you doing?" She asked.

Emmett whirled around and put his phone behind his back. "Nothing." He said as innocently as he could.

"Were you going to prank me again?" Rosalie sighed.

"No." Emmett replied, pressing call.

Barbie girl filled the air and Rosalie pulled out her phone. "Hello?" She asked.

There was no reply and Rosalie frowned. "Hello? Look whoever this is, it's rude to call someone and not talk. Now you called me so what the hell do you want?" She ranted.

Emmett couldn't contain his laughter anymore and burst into fits of giggles.

Rosalie's eyes narrowed and she threw her phone at him. "Pig. That's the eighth time this week." She snarled before storming off.

Emmett chuckled before starting to dial Wal-Mart. He forgot to withhold his strength and poked a hole right through the phone. "Opps. Carlisle! I need a new phone!" He called.

"That's the eightieth time this week!" Carlisle called back in horror, shocked that his son broke yet another phone.

"Sorry?" Emmett replied.

Carlisle just sighed in his study and picked up the phone. "Desperate times calls for desperate measures."  
"Hello, this is Desperate Measures." A man's voice answered on the other end.

"Hello, Desperate Measures, this is Desperate Times. I'm in need of one of your indestructible phones." Carlisle requested.

"I'll send one to you right away. So how you been DT?" Desperate Measure, AKA Martin Fielder a technologist for the army and for Vampires, asked.

"I'm good, DM. Develop any new stuff?" Carlisle replied.

"Apart from a ray that creates any item the user requires, not much really?" Martin sighed.

Alice and Emmett ran into the room at the same time, hearing the conversation with their Vampire Hearing.

"Can it create shoes?" Alice cried.

"Can it create Doughnuts?" Emmett asked excitedly.

Both Alice and Carlisle stared at him. "You can't eat human food." Alice pointed out.

Emmett shrugged. "Was just wondering. Man, those doughnuts make awesome Frisbees. Makes the local cops go wild."

"Yeah, I have to go DM. We just found the culprit behind Forks' recent Cop obesity rise." Carlisle told Martin.

"Okay, see ya DT." Martin replied and the two men hung up.

A week later, the Indestructible phone which was able to withstand even bombs arrived at the Cullen Home.

Emmett grabbed it before the mail man had even gotten out of the car. He had opened up the back and located the parcel within minutes. He had also found a package sent to Edward and Bella.

He walked up to them and tossed the pair of pink furry handcuffs at them before walking into the house, leaving the embarrassed couple to withstand the laughter, from the family and Jacob, and the dry heaves, from Nessie.

When they finally entered the house, they saw Emmett happily pushing at the buttons on the phone using all his strength. The metal didn't even bend.

Barbie Girl once again filled the air and Rosalie flipped open her phone. "Hello? Hello? Hello? Are you there? Hey, you called me! Answer me!" She yelled into the phone.

Emmett chuckling keyed her into what had happened and she snapped the phone shut. "EMMETT!" She yelled.

"It works." Emmett grinned.

"We noticed." Jasper said, grinning slightly at Rosalie. Sometimes she could be so blonde.

"This phone is awesome! Look, it can withstand anything." Emmett gushed.

He ran into the kitchen and the others followed him. He placed the phone in the Microwave and set it to full power. "See, it can handle microwaves without exploding. Ten of my last phones couldn't."

"I know." Esme sighed, being the one who had had to clean battery acid off of the appliance.

Emmett ran outside, the family once more following him, and put the phone on the floor. He picked up a huge boulder and put it on top of the phone.

"It can withstand Boulders. Seven of my last phones couldn't!" Emmett crowed.

"I know." Jacob sighed. He had been the one to step in it numerous times and had ended up picking it up.

Emmett picked the phone up and looked at it. "It can truly handle anything!" He grinned.

The phone suddenly slipped from his fingers and landed in the Cullen's pond.

There was a crackle and it burst into flames. After the flames died out and the phone had sank, Emmett picked it out and tried to turn it on.

The light of the screen lit up and Emmett laughed. "See it really is indestructible."

The screen suddenly turned off and the phone fell to pieces in his hand. Emmett stared in shock at the pieces on the floor. "None of my other phones did that!"

Rosalie began to applaud lazily. "Wow, Emmett. You're the only person in the world to break an indestructible phone." She drawled.

Emmett grimaced and looked up at Carlisle. "Uh, I need a new phone." He said.

Carlisle sighed and pulled out his own phone. "Desperate Measures, it's me, Desperate Times."

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Please Read and Review. I hope you enjoyed this. Let me know that you think. Next One shot: Nessie's first word (inspired by Micheal MacIntyre)


	2. Nessie's First Word

I hope you enjoy this one shot collection. :)  
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Nessie's First Word**

Nessie sat leant up against Jacob as her family reminisced on different times in their lives. Carlisle had just recounted the story of this kid he had treated's first word.

"What was my first word?" She asked.

Bella and Edward exchanged a look and looked right at a grinning Emmett. "What?" He whined.

"You tell it!" Rosalie told Carlisle shaking her head at her husband, leaving both Jacob and Nessie confused.

"Okay, so it happened when you were a few days old…"

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Bella sat in front of Nessie, a kind smile on her face and red eyes, now tinged with topaz, shining. Jacob was out with the pack and the family were relishing the time with baby Nessie.

"Say Mommy!" Bella cooed.

Edward rolled his eyes and elbowed his wife out of the way slightly. "Say Daddy."

Rosalie swooped in and picked Nessie up. "No, she's going to say Rose first. Say Rose."

Alice grinned. "I think she'll say either Jazz or my name first." She called from her position curled up with Jasper on the chair by the window watching them.

Esme shook her head. "There is no telling what she might say. Personally, I'm hoping its Nana or Grandpa to prove you all wrong." She told her children.

Nessie opened her mouth and everyone leaned slightly forward to hear what she was going to say.

"Xylophone."

No one had expected that and they blinked slowly. "What did she just say?" Bella whispered.

"Xylophone!" Nessie cried, clapping her hands.

"Well she didn't say your names." Esme sighed, stunned.

"Who taught her that?" Edward exclaimed, shock covering his features as he stared at his daughter.

"I did!" Emmett called as he entered the room.

"Why?" Rosalie whined, buried her head in her hands which were now void of Nessie as Bella had taken her.

"Why did I have to marry the one man who could teach a baby to say Xylophone as their first word?" She moaned.

Carlisle ignored Rosalie's moaning and turned to Emmett with a frown. "Why?" He asked.

"I'm becoming a professional Xylophone player." Emmett declared, pulling a Xylophone out from under one of the sofas.

"How did I not know that was there?" Esme gasped. "I know everything that goes on in this house!"

"Xylophone player? Seriously?" Jasper questioned, his eyebrows raised so high they disappeared into his hair.

"Yep. Listen to this." Emmett grinned.

He flourished his hands out a bit doing a show of warming up before grabbing the sticks and starting to play.

Fur Elise began to flow out of the instrument and the family gaped at Emmett in amazement.

He had his eyes shut and got every single note right. They sat still and watched him in shock. When he finished, he got up and bowed.

"Xylophone!" Nessie crowed.

"Thank you. I shall take my leave!" Emmett declared, marching out of the room.

Suddenly, fur elise began to play again. But no one was at the Xylophone. Edward walked over and inspected the area.

Discretely hidden behind the sofa was a CD player. Edward picked it up and pressed stop. He looked in the player and saw one of his many CDs inside.

"EMMETT!" He yelled.

Emmett ran down the stairs and winced when he saw the CD Player. "Opps, I forgot to take it off repeat."

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The story ended and Nessie turned to Emmett with raised eyebrows. "You taught me how to say Xylophone. Why?"

"It's a cool word. Besides, my friend in England sent me this DVD of this comedian over there called Michael MacIntyre. It was in one of his sketches." Emmett explained.

Rosalie buried her head in her heads. "I'm so going to end up in a mental institute by the end of this centaury. Again."

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Please Read and Review. Let me know that you think as Humour isn't really my strong point. Next One Shot: Nessie gets a swearing lesson (a HP FF inspired me. It's called Hey Baby by deeps85)


	3. Nessie's Swearing Lesson

This is kind of like in Meet the Fockers where the baby says 'Asshole'. I don't think it's as funny, but hey. I'm not really a comedy person *shrugs* but enjoy anyway ;)  
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Nessie's Swearing Lesson**

Emmett was stuck baby sitting a baby Nessie as everyone went out either to hunt, in the Vampires' case, or patrol, in the wolves' case. So he was left holding the baby, literally.

Bella had just run up to him and dumped Nessie in his arms before tearing off again. Emmett and simply looked at Nessie who looked back at him and shrugged.

So here he was, sat on his bed in his room with Nessie sat beside him as he played a video game.

"Yes! Yes! I'm winning!" He crowed, shooting the other guys in the game.

Suddenly, the enemy soldier showed up and shot him. The screen went black and a table came up with his results of how many times he had shot people and such.

But all Emmett could focus on were the big red letters at the top of the table that said 'You Lose'. "Shit." He swore.

Nessie looked up at him. "Shit." She repeated.

Emmett froze. He turned very slowly to face Nessie who was looking innocently up at him. "What did you say?"

"Shit." Nessie crowed again.

"Fuck." Emmett hissed, running a hand through his hair. "Stupid damn half vampires. They learn too bloody quickly!"

Nessie giggled beside him. "Damn. Shit. Fuck. Bloody!" She called, clapping her hands in delight.

"Oh no!" Emmett groaned, running a hand over his face in frustration. "Bella is going to kill me. Once Edward's done with me that is."

Nessie giggled again and reached out to Emmett. "Bloody!" She cried. "Bloody up!"

Emmett whined and scooped her up any way. "Come on, Ness. They're bad words. Say something else, like pony." He begged.

Nessie stuffed her hands into his dark curls, her eyes shining with delight. "Shit."

"No!" Emmett cried, beginning to pace. "Maybe I can convince her to stop swearing."

He ran downstairs with little Nessie on his back and burst into the kitchen. "What's this Ness?" He asked, grabbing a cup.

Nessie frowned for a bit and then a smile lit her face up. "Damn Cup!" She replied.

Emmett whacked his head on the granite counter repeatedly before decided to try something new.

"What's this Nessie?" He said, holding up one of Nessie's favourite picture books.

"Shit book!" Nessie giggled.

"NO!" Emmett howled, running through the house to grab anything he could. He rattled off each item there was and asked Nessie to tell him what it was.

Each time she answered she placed one of the swear words, she had newly added to her vocabulary, before each answer.

Emmett was now at wits end. "Please, Nessie. Stop swearing." He wept, lying on the floor before the swearing toddler.

"Mommy! Daddy!" Nessie called, getting her parents' scent on the wind coming through the open window.

Emmett sat up so fast that if he were human he would have become dizzy with the speed. "Aw…"

"Shit!" Nessie said, clapping her hands.

"My thoughts precisely. Come on, please stop swearing." Emmett sighed, pleading with the infant now.

"Damn! Shit! Fuck! Bloody!" Nessie recited.

"There's only one thing to do." Emmett muttered. He scooped up Nessie and ran up to his room.

Bella entered the house just before Edward, eager to see her little girl again. "Nessie? Emmett?" She called.

She ran up the stairs and into Emmett's room. Sure enough, said Vampire was sat on his bed playing his video games. "Hey, don't you know how to knock?" He snapped.

"Sorry. Where's Nessie?" Bella asked.

Emmett schooled his features into an expression of ignorance. "Don't know." He lied.

A muffled sound came from his trunk and Bella walked over to it. She popped open the lid to find Nessie sat amongst Emmett's old clothes from twenty years before.

"Oh look, there she is." Emmett chuckled nervously.

Bella shot him a dirty glare and turned back to her daughter. "Aw, poor Nessie. Why did Uncle Emmett shut you in his trunk hmm?" She asked the toddler.

Emmett discretely crossed his fingers and prayed with all his might that Nessie wouldn't reply. But it was in vain.

"Shit Fuck Bloody Damn!" Nessie replied, a wide smile on her little face. Emmett began to sneak as quietly as he could towards the door as he noticed Bella's stiffened stance.

"I'll give you a ten second head start." Bella hissed.

Emmett wasted no time and tore off. "Bloody babies!"

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Please Read and Review. If you have any ideas let me know. Next Chapter: Emmett goes on X Factor. To understand this one, you'll need to check out Narnia and click on Chapter 4.


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